Getting Along With Family

Family members are often our greatest and most difficult ongoing teachers.

A reader of my blog “Getting Along with Difficult People” (www.theawarenessinitiative.com/blog) asked how to get along with family members. I can’t say that I’ve mastered the family conumdrum. In fact, I believe that family members are often our greatest and most difficult ongoing teachers. Here are lessons I’ve learned about dealing with family members:

1. We are obviously genetically linked with family members, having most of the same genes. That’s big. That means that on many levels we have a tremendous amount in common. We may not behave exactly the same way, but we are essentially similar. It helps to examine what the similarities are at a base level, so that we can work with them.

For instance, I come from a very intense family, where everyone wants to be right. Ouch. That can be challenging for a person like me, who hates to argue. I had to look at why I argue. Because I want to be right… like them. When I finally realized this I could step back and be objective. How important is being “right” to me? In most instances it’s irrelevant who is right. When I step back I can SEE the other person more clearly. I then have the power to act instead of react and can choose how I respond or not.

The characteristics that bother us the most about family members (and others) are often the characteristics that we share. How can you tell if you share it? When the family member says or does something to you that makes you angry, you probably are seeing a mirror on some level. Look at yourself closely and work on accepting that part of yourself.

2. Boundaries tend to fall apart in many families. We get in each other’s face and space. Somehow the rules of outside decorum don’t apply and we invade each other. Maintain your boundaries with your family. Know what you need and accept, and don’t get pushed around.

For example, members of my family tend to be critical of each other. I know from introspection that I have a tendency to be critical of others and especially of myself. I accept that in myself and can mitigate some of my tendencies. I decided to stop criticizing myself (sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t) and also decided that I wouldn’t accept unsolicited criticism from others. I had to tell my family members that I could no longer be around them if they were critical of me. That meant being away from one or two of then for awhile, until they agreed to accept my boundaries.

I can’t say they don’t criticize me (or me them), but they are much better about it. If they aren’t I don’t put up with it and walk away, and I no longer take it personally. I’ve learned a lot from being around family. I can often feel compassion for them, and even amusement. Other times, I’m still learning.