You (Don’t) Complete Me: Dispelling the Jerry McGuire Myth

How many of us felt the tension as Jerry McGuire and Dorothy Boyd, fresh from Jerry’s meltdown and Dorothy’s impulsive support, stood in that elevator as the couple beside them shared those romantic words in sign language, You complete me? Dorothy’s panic over what she had just done was momentarily usurped by the intimacy of that gesture and you could feel her longing for that in her own life. Fast forward to the end of the movie when Jerry rushes in to declare those very same words to her. Didn’t we all want someone to feel that way about us? I know I did.

I spent years of my life looking for someone to complete me, to complete him, to feel whole. On the way I attracted halveswho, like me, didn’t have a complete sense of who they were and that halfneeded considerable fixing. I signed up for the job and failed miserably. For a divorced mom dating is tricky enough. I have plenty to do raising a man; I don’t need to fix one, too! After an especially messy breakup I needed to find a way to be whole on my own. What a concept.

With the help of a life coach, I started to discover the other half of me that I had thought existed only with someone else. The part that felt loved and secure. The part that moved through the world with confidence and grace, knowing that I could do, be and have whatever I wanted. After months of getting to know this other half of me, that was there all along, I thrived.

Through coaching I discovered where I sold myself short and how I depleted my internal resources until there was nothing left for me. I learned to take care of me first (an absurd concept for most moms) so that I had the energy and tools to take care of everyone else in my life that needs me.

We are all whole on our own. But women have been conditioned to believe that they need a man to feel complete and that everyone else comes first. We get married and focus our energy on pleasing our man, our kids, our family, our boss and everyone else but our selves. We rarely take the time to explore who we really are and to develop all the parts of us just waiting to grow and flourish. The irony is that in seeking externally for that wholeness we are denying the very parts of us that will make us feel complete. Our unique talents and gifts get buried beneath othersexpectations of who we should be.

I went on to become a life coach myself. In my work with women seeking to thrive in their lives, I find there is a universal need for all of us to make it a conscious choice to be added to the To Do list. All the choices we make lead us to where we are in this moment. Making better, smarter ones can change our lives in amazing ways. Even the small ones. Choose you. Live your life in a way that doesn’t center around someone else or around the belief that finding that special someone will fill you up and make you happy. Or that the someone you are married to already can do that either.

I am not, by all means, suggesting that we leave men out of our lives! However, when we approach our partners as whole and complete individuals we can create an interdependence that brings incredible fulfillment to a strong, loving relationship. Last year I married again. He came to me intact, not half a man seeking his other half, but as a true partner. I know that I attracted him because we draw to us those who can relate to where we are in our own emotional lives.When it’s right, we meetourmatch. He doesn’t complete me.

But he had me at hello.

Lisa Dalton is a Life Coach, speaker and co-author of A Guide To Getting It: Purpose & Passion. She specializes in personal and professional development and life transitions for women as they explore beneath the surface to create the life they love in the life they have. Visit her website at www.godeepcoach.com