How Domestic Voilence in the home Effects Children

“You’re not allowed to play with I’m anymore.”

“I don’t want you going over to his house again.”

“You’ll have to find different friends.”

“She’s not a good friend to have.”

“You can’t associate with him in the future.”

The statements above are examples of Parent Talk designed to control your children’s choice of friends. While this degree of control may be possible up to the age of eight or nine, your control stops there. After fourth grade you lose the power to choose your children’s friends. Why? Because at this time in your their life it is no longer possible to enforce your desires concerning this issue. If you can’t enforce a command it makes little sense to send it.

While you lose your ability to control your children’s choice of friends at that age, you do not lose your ability to influence who they choose as friends. If you accept the fact that your child is choosing her own friends, which she actually is, and assume that posture as you talk with her, you can have a positive impact on her thinking and her choices by using well constructed Parent Talk.

“I like the way your friend Ramone shares appreciation” and “William always helps pick up the messes you guys make” is Parent Talk that points your child to positive character traits in his friends. These kinds of comments help him to appreciate that you see the good side as well as the other side of his friends.

“Tell me what you like about Clarissa” and “What strengths do you see in Lynda?” are examples of Parent Talk that will help you understand the positives your child sees in her friends. Use a loving and interested tone as you pose these questions. If you fail to comprehend the strengths she sees, she will be less likely to take a serious look at the weaknesses you see.

“I hope some or your manners will rub off on him” and “Maybe your positive attitude can influence how he looks at the world” are ways to reinforce the strengths you see in your own child as well as to invite him gently to look at what you see in his friend. These examples reflect Parent Talk designed to get your child to think rather than to instruct him what to do about his friend.

Other Parent Talk phrases that invite your child to think include:

“I wonder if Marie makes fun of you when you’re not present.”

“I’d be kind of worried about feeling pressured to drink if I was with Kyra.”

“Do you ever worry that people might think you feel the same way about Jews (Blacks, Hispanics, Italians, women, Christians) as Justin does?”

“Is it difficult for you to stick up for your other friends when Kevin starts to bully?”

“Why do you think there is a difference in your study habits?”

Advice children have not asked for will fall on deaf ears. Orders will hit a brick wall. Non-judgmental information has a chance to get through and help them think through an issue. Offer information free of judgment, ridicule, or sarcasm and you may develop the influence you desire concerning your children’s friends.

Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are co-authors of The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. Visit their blog at: www.uncommon-parenting.com.

How Domestic Voilence in the home Effects Children18997How Domestic Voilence in the home Effects ChildrenHOW DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THE HOME AFFECTS CHILDREN

I realize the subject of domestic abuse and violence in the home is not a subject that most of America wants to think about. If this topic is hard for adults to read about, listen to, or be asked to address, how scary can it be for children who live it?

As a rule our society often think about adults when it comes to relationship violence, but children are very much victims of this crime. It is a fallacy thatan intact family no matter how dysfunctional is better than divorce. Whether children witness the violence or merely since it, they are hurt by it.

One study on children affected by domestic abuse says that 27% of domestic homicide victims were children. When children are killed during a domestic dispute, 90% are under age 10, 56% are under the age of two years old!

A Study published in an issue of Children’s Advocate relates that nationwide, 10 to 20 percent of children are at risk of experiencing domestic violence in the home, which translates to approximately between 3.3 million and 10 million children witnessing the abuse of a parent or adult caregiver each year. Children who live with violence in the home face many risks: the risk of neglect, the risk of being abused, the risk of losing not one, but both parents, all of these factors may lead to negative outcomes for children that may affect their safety, wellbeing and stability.

Studies show that childhood problems associated with exposure to domestic violence fall into three primary categories:

Another alarming fact is that children who witness domestic abuse or domestic violence have a higher suicide rate than their peers.

How can you and I help these children? First by paying attention to some of the warning signs:

• This child may have difficulty concentrating and focusing on school work

– If the child is always watchful, or anxious as if expecting something to happen or go wrong

– If he or she often comes to school early and stays late, as if they do not want to go home

– If they shy away from inviting friends over to their house

• Physical signs can include unexplained bite marks, burns or bruises, or a black eye
• If the child is afraid of a parent or caregiver, small children my even start to cry as their parent or caregiver approaches

By getting involved if you suspect that a child is being abused or neglected, or that they may be exposed to violence, contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency, or you can contact the NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE Child Help - this is a national organization that provides crisis assistance and other counseling and referral services. They are staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with professional crisis counselors. All calls are anonymous. Contact them at 1.800.4.A.CHILD. (1.800.422.4453). By being alert, you can save a child’s future, or even his life.

My name is Darlene Greene; I am the founder of the Ina Mae Greene Foundation/For My sisters. We are an information resource foundation for victims of domestic abuse. Visit our website www.inamaegreene.com, for more information on how to help victims of abuse and their children.