No One Appreciates Me

No One Appreciates Me

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt like this or are feeling like this. As stepmoms, feeling unappreciated is one of the biggest complaints I see. And it’s usually followed by a list of all the things the stepmom does for her family.

“I do all the laundry, make sure food’s on the table, the house is clean, I cook all the meals, and I help pay child support!”

If you feel unappreciated, how do you view yourself? Do you also feel mistreated? Like a victim? Meritorious? It is through this view of yourself, that you justify your “stinkin’ thinkin’” or worse, your behavior towards your husband, his ex, and his kids.

The Arbinger Institute identifies four types of Justification in the book “The Anatomy of Peace.” I recently wrote about the first type, “I’m Better Than Her.” Now it’s time to tackle the “I Deserve” type of justification. Remember, a crooked wall needs to be justified so if you are justifying your behavior, you are a little crooked. Don’t worry – we all are – including yours truly.

Your View of Yourself

–I’m mistreated

–I do so much for them and get nothing in return

–I’m unappreciated in my own home

Your view of others

–His kids are so ungrateful

–He has no idea how he’s mistreating me

–His ex is mistaken, I do so much for those kids

Your feelings

–I’m so resentful

–I’m feel deprived of my husband’s affection

–I’m entitled to xyz because I did ABC

Your View of the World:

–This is so unfair

–I wasn’t expecting this – you owe me!

–This situation is so wrong! Where is the justice?

The biggest complaint I hear from my sister stepmoms is that they feel so unappreciated for all that they do. I can’t help but think “why do you do all that? Why are you your husband’s court secretary? Why are you picking up all the parenting slack? Why are you cooking homemade meals every night from scratch? Why aren’t you allowing others to take responsiblity for themselves?

I know that I can be guitly of this kind of behavior as well but when I go down this road, I stop and ask myself, “did I agree to do this?” And if my answer is yes – then I ask myself why am I complaining? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?

I don’t do things in my remarried life thinking someone is going to hand me a silver platter with the crown jewels on top of it. I do what I do because that’s who I am. I don’t normally feel unappreciated when I step in or step up when it comes to Junior or any of my step kids.

Press Pause

When you feel unappreciated or mistreated, I want you to stop and ask yourself Why. Before you do something that you have to justify why you did it because “my darling husband ignores my contribution to the family.”

What is it that you are doing that makes you feel resentful towards your family? Because trust me, you are doing something and you expect reciprocation. You aren’t doing it just because. You’re doing it for quid pro quo, a reward, a pat on the back, praise, flowers on Friday. You are doing it to get something in return.

If in fact you are doing something for your husband or your stepkids and you expect something in return – don’t be silent about it! If you agree to watch the kids because your husband has to work, tell him what you need in return! Be honest and upfront. It will save your tongue from bleeding and your heart from breaking.

Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons

There are times when you step up to the plate because it’s the right thing to do. Every fiber in your body knows when you are doing the right things for the right reasons. You feel energized and your mindset changes from one of biting resentment to abundant love.

When you act out of love and loving service, you do so for what you receive internally. Knowing you did the right thing for the right reason more than makes up for anything your husband could give you. It speaks to your character and your integrity. It speaks to who you are as a human being.

Homework:

The next time you feel unappreciated or you feel the nasty resentment monster creep up on you, press pause. Ask yourself what’s going on here? Why do I feel this way? What am I doing to cause this feeling? What are my expectations and who’s not meeting them? Are my expectations reasonable or am I expecting my husband or my stepkids to read my mind again? Is my heart at war or is my heart at peace?