Divorce Recovery: Acceptance of What Was and What Is

The clients who come to me for help in letting go and moving on
after their divorce discover that acceptance, a mandatory step in
divorce recovery, comes in two stages. First we work to be in
acceptance of the end of our marriage and then we move on to accept
what our life is now, in the present. This second step in the
acceptance process seems to be the more difficult hurdle to overcome
but it can be overcome successfully.

Accept the Fact that the Marriage is Over
Acceptance of the undeniable fact that our marriage is over must be
fully integrated into our psyche for us to be able to create a new
life. We need to look back over our marriage and see exactly where we
have confused what actually happened with our own personal
interpretation. All too often our interpretations of the events of our
marriage are simply not true, not factual. Our deep hurts have a
tendency to cloud our thinking and limit our perspective.

Be Honest with Yourself
Separating the facts from our biased interpretations will allow us
to stop blaming our ex as well as ease our resentments. We also learn
how to see that any marriage, no matter what may have occurred, is a
product of two people, a mutual creation. Even if one of the partners
was unfaithful or deceptive, we must begin to see our part in the
collapse of our marriage because only when we can stop blaming and take
responsibility for our part, do we take back our power and our ability
to move forward. If we are honest with ourselves, we know where we
could have done things differently.

Accept Your New Life
Now comes the even more challenging step in acceptance: acceptance
of our new life. Once the fact that we are divorced sinks in, reality
rears its so-called ugly head. We start to really understand what our
life is now that we do not have a partner. All too often, we react with
fear, anger and resentment.

Resentment of the Day-to-Day Responsibilities for the Children
There are many common issues that arise amongst my clients. The
number one item seems to be the day-to-day responsibilities for the
children. Why am I the one who has to handle everything and he gets to
play with them every other weekend? I have to do it all: school,
homework, discipline, doctors, dentists, conferences, carpooling,
groceries, cooking, cleaningyou name it! Then Dad shows up once a week
and every other weekend and it seems like its all fun and games. This
is unfair.

The List goes on and on and on
No more regular outings on Saturday nights. There is no one to share
household maintenance. Your finances now are solely under your control
and for many of us that seems daunting. No more extended family. The
holidays loom before us and we are lost. Mutual friends fall by the
wayside. Need I go on?

Finding your Hidden Reserve of Strength
This is where the real challenges arise and this is where we learn
about our hidden reserves of strength and how much we have learned and
grown from the entire experience. There is no doubt that it is hard and
seemingly unfair. But guess what? That is the true nature of life. Life
is not always a bowl of cherries, quite the opposite. Life is chaotic
and there is constant change, oftentimes not to our liking. Life is not
always fair. Life just is and we simply cannot control what life throws
our waywe can only control how we choose to handle it. This is a fact
of life that we must accept in the depths of our very being.

Make Choices
What to do? There are real choices in front of you. You can continue
to fight against reality, a reality that you cannot change. You can
resist what is for what you think should be and suffer immeasurably.
You can remain rooted in your past, a past that no longer exists, and
within that past you will continue to be in pain, blame and resentment.
Just envision banging your head against a brick wall because that is
exactly what you will be doing.

Either You Resist What is or You Accept this New Landscape
You can surrender to the flow of your life’s direction instead of
swimming against the current. You can let go of all the things that
keep you stuck and chained to your past. You can choose acceptance and
with that choice, new possibilities will begin to open for you. You can
choose to look for what might be right and what might be opportunities
in this new world.

Focus on What is Important
Take for instance the overwhelming responsibilities you now have.
Perhaps you are one of the women out there who work and have kids. As
an aside, I know that in most cases, you had the bulk of the
responsibility during your marriage so things are not that much
different. But that being said, start to prioritize. The house is no
longer going to be sparkling clean. The kids may have to learn to do
their own laundry. There won’t be home cooked meals every night and
guess what? Everyone will still survive and thrive. What is really
important? The love and closeness of this new family unit.

The Opportunities Abound although it Might Be Hard to See Them
I know that when I divorced my kids took on more responsibility
around the house and they not only rose to the occasion but they are
the better for it. I marvel at how they adjusted and simply went on
with their lives. Mind you, my ex and I made a pact to get along and do
whatever we had to for the kid’s benefit.

Our meals together were chances to bond. I learned to not sweat all
the small stuff: I let go of my to do list and learned what was really
important, which turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my
divorce. Our vacations together were wonderful and I have phenomenal
relationships with my kids. I found a new career. I discovered who my
true friends are and have made many new ones. I discovered reservoirs
of strength that I did not know existed.

Either Go with the Flow or Drown in Self-Pity
Of course, it isn’t a bed of roses but neither is life in general,
no matter whether you are married or divorced. I could go on about all
the things within this new life that I am still wrestling with but hey,
I wrestled with life when I was married! Life changes and you either go
with the flow or drown in self-pity. It remains a matter of choice. It
may take years, tons of effort and struggle but anything worthwhile in
life takes time and effort.

Your Perspective will Change your Reality
You must drop unrealistic expectations that life should be a certain
way and go with the way that life is. You must learn to change your
perspective, embrace what is and choose to look at what the
possibilities and opportunities are in this new world of yours.
Remember that your perspective will not only change the way you think
but it will actually change your reality.

Learn more about Shelley at: lifeafteryourdivorce.com