Divorce Recovery: Releasing the Toxic Emotions

The way to recover and thrive after divorce is simple: Until you can
release the toxic emotions surrounding your divorce, it is impossible
for you to move forward in life and be happy. It takes enormous
commitment and effort but it can be achieved. If you want to lead a new
life that is both fulfilling and happy, you must let go of the negative
emotions and thoughts that hold you back from creating a life you love.
And guess what else? Who do you suppose pays the biggest price when it
comes to toxic emotions? YOU.

We feel emotions so intense that we often wonder if we will survive them
During the divorce process, the negative emotions that you were
already experiencing in your marriage go haywire! During times of
crisis, our world appears to crumble and with it our concept of whom we
are. Our mind chatter turns up the volume to deafening levels. We
question everything. We feel emotions so intense that we often wonder
if we will survive them. Anger, sadness, depression, rage, grief,
resentment, bitterness, and confusion are some of the feelings we are
hit with.

Adjusting to a new way of life that is oftentimes lonely and frightening
Once a divorce is finalized, we find ourselves attempting to adjust
to a new way of life that is oftentimes lonely and frightening. The
negative emotions are still there and perhaps worse as we face the
harsh reality that we are indeed divorced and on our own. Even if we
are the one who initiated the divorce, it is still a brave new world.
If we spend our days tied up in thoughts and feelings that disempower
us, there is no clear path to the future.

Mind Chatter based in Negative Feelings eats up Time
We may find ourselves ruminating about our situation throughout the
day. That time spent on the mind chatter based in negative feelings
eats up time that could be spent working on a new life. Think about it.
If I spend hours during the day consumed with thoughts of resentment
and hatred towards my ex, I don’t have time for other more productive
thoughts and actions to arise. There is only so much room up there in
the head. If we use up all our space with negativity, we have no room
for the much needed positive thoughts.

The destructive mind chatter will permeate every aspect of our
being. When we are residing in a perspective or attitude that life is
not fair, then everything that goes on during the day will support that
perspective. If we are living in the perspective that our ex is a
terrible person, then everything that he or she says and does will
support that idea. It spreads throughout our lives like a cancer.

Trust me, you are the one who pays the biggest price
It is you who suffers the most. It is you who is giving up on life.
It is you who is consumed with thoughts that cause stress, sadness,
depression and paralysis. It is you who becomes a person that few want
to be around. It is you who is setting a poor example for the children.
It is you who cannot move forward and is mired in the past, a past that
is destined to repeat itself under the present conditions.

How then do we learn to let go of these toxic emotions and thoughts?
Here is a way to begin the journey to a future filled with all that you want:

  • Understand that you are the sacrificial lamb on the altar of life. You have this one precious life to live and you have the choice to make it great or miserable. What will it be?
  • No one other than yourself is responsible for your life, your divorce or your marriage for that matter.
    This is one of the most difficult things to get your mind around but it
    is true. Unless you accept responsibility for yourself and everything
    you see in your life, then you will continue to blame others and give
    away your power.
    If you were to be totally honest with yourself, you would probably
    see how you played an equal part in the collapse of your marriage. Even
    if you are the so-called dumpee, there were two people in this marriage
    and no one person is solely at fault. You may believe that your ex was
    a bully and a tyrant and you were an innocent victim but guess what?
    You allowed it. You were co-dependent; you empowered your ex in ways
    you may not even recognize at this point in time.

    And if you are really honest and willing to do the inner work
    necessary to move on, you will see that who you were being in the
    marriage is who you have been all along. Unresolved emotional issues
    from your past colored your marriage, it’s true. If you had a bad
    relationship with your father and he made you feel worthless, you may
    go looking for a Father as a mate which is not the basis for a
    successful marriage.

  • To see outer change, you must first do the inner work. In
    order to rid yourself of the same reactive, ingrained responses from
    your past you have to do the inner work of personal growth. You must
    conquer the demons of mind chatter that run you. You must learn what
    has been holding you back from living your best life, being happy and
    successful. Whether you work with a therapist or a Life Coach doesn’t
    matter. Just do it!
  • It is during the times
    of the most intense pain and transition that we learn the lessons we
    need to learn and grow as a human being. When we are challenged
    is when we learn deep lessons. When we learn deep lessons we grow as a
    human being. It is easy to handle life in good times but it is when
    things get rough that our true character has the chance to emerge IF we
    allow it. Again, it becomes your choice and your choice alone as to how
    you will handle this life transition. You alone will choose to go
    forward or live in the past. Once again I ask youwhat will you do with
    this one precious life you have?
  • Everything that has happened to you has happened for a reason.
    If you believe that there are no reasons for what happens in life then
    you will see no reasons for this divorce and you may stay stuck where
    you are right now. If on the other hand you believe that everything
    that happens in our lives happens for a reason; that life is not
    random; that all the events we have experienced have moved us forward
    and in turn force us to evolve as a human being; that our purpose will
    reveal itself to us through these life lessons, well then you can see
    that this divorce is a tremendous opportunity to go inside and do the
    inner work that will cause you to transform as a human being. You will
    also have a much easier time of letting go.
  • It is not so much what happens to us in life, rather it is how we handle what happens that counts. Things
    will always happen in life, some good and some bad. That’s just life.
    Accepting that fact shows you that you have a choice to choose how you
    will handle things. You can choose to sit in resentment and bitterness
    and suffer as a result or you can choose to call upon your higher self
    that resides within and leap into the future as a better person.
  • Learn acceptance of what is versus what you think should be.
    Very important point! Have you truly accepted reality for what it truly
    is or are you still walking around in a world of should-be’s? You know,
    I should be married, I should have more support, I shouldn’t be
    suffering, life should be fair, etc., etc., etc. The sooner you learn
    to accept things as they are, the sooner you will be able to make real
    choices on how you want to live your life.
  • The meanings we add to what happens to us are not the facts. Our
    interpretations of life dictate our future. There are the facts of life
    and our personal interpretations of those facts. We add meaning where
    oftentimes there is no other meaning than the fact itself. For example,
    my husband is cold and heartless. That means that I have failed to
    elicit his warmth and therefore I am a failure in this marriage. That
    is just your interpretation. The fact remains that your husband is a
    cold person which is based on his past and not yours and over which you
    have no control! Watch carefully how you choose to interpret reality.
    It will make all the difference in the world for you.
  • Try separating the facts from the drama.
    Oh the drama of it all. He left me for no reason, he is a cad, I have
    suffered such abuse, he is causing me such unhappiness and this
    marriage was so destructive to me. Facts? He left because the marriage
    was not working and no one was happy, I am not an overly happy person
    to begin with, the destructive marriage is over and the future is
    available to me if I am willing to let go of the past. Do yourself a
    big favor and separate fact from drama.
  • Don’t let the mind chatter run the show because you will forever stay stuck.
    Learn to disempower the mind chatter by not responding to it. Hear it,
    notice it, and thank it for sharing and them move on. Don’t argue with
    it or attempt a logical conversation. Mind chatter loves the status quo
    and abhors change so when change is in the air it will get very loud.
  • Learn to forgive. Forgiveness
    is not condoning bad behavior, it is simply forgiving it. If you
    capable of forgiveness then you are capable of letting go of toxic
    emotions. Look at the other person and see their inner child much like
    your own. Separate their behavior from that inner child and it is much
    easier to forgive.
  • Fall in love with yourself, warts and all. Honor everything about you.
    Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Get your friends
    to tell you what they love about you. Now look at the things that you
    think are not so hot about yourself. Have they allowed you to do
    certain things that enhance you? Can you simply see that they are all a
    part of you? Can you see that you can also work to soften the edges?
    You are a totally unique individual who will never be around again. You
    have a gift to give the world that is yours and yours alone.
  • You have control over one thing and one thing alone in this lifeyourself. Did
    you try to change your ex during your marriage? Did it work? The only
    person you can change is yourself. The only thing you can control in
    life is yourself. It is through who you are being that will impact
    those around you most intensely and then is when you may see some
    changes. Work on yourself and forget about working on the ex. People
    change because they want to not because you want them to. You will
    change because you want a better life.

    • So what will it be? Are you willing to do the work that needs to be
    done in order to live a great life? Are you willing to learn to let go
    of the past so you can live in the present and create the future? The
    best way to predict the future is to invent it you know!

    Learn more about Shelley at: lifeafteryourdivorce.com