Victimhood: The Curse of Divorce Recovery

Feeling or labeling yourself a victim of your divorce is one of the
most disastrous moves you can make. It will prevent you from moving
forward into a new life. Victimhood renders you powerless. To create a
new life after your divorce takes a person who is fully responsible for
their past, present and future. Being responsible means having control
over one’s life and that is what it takes to both recover from the
emotional wounds of a divorce as well as plan for your new life.

Blame Keeps you Stuck in the Pain of the Past
If you consider yourself a victim then you believe that you had
little to do with what happened to you. You take no responsibility. The
responsibility is someone else’s and that leaves you with no power.
Victims blame someone else. Blame absolves them of their part in the
dissolution of their marriage. Blame keeps them stuck in the pain of
the past and their divorce.

Placing Blame is Easy, Accepting Responsibility a Little Harder
It is so much easier to place blame on someone else then accept
personal responsibility. The fact is that two people inhabit all
marriages. Those two people are co-creators of their marriage and their
divorce. Even if one of the partners was unfaithful or a liar, there
are always signs along the way that we either refused to see or to
acknowledge. If we are in denial about all the warning signs along the
way, we can only look to ourselves for lack of some responsible action.

Blame Leads to Resentment
Resentment consumes our mind chatter. We spend far too many hours
ruminating about all the things that our ex has done or continues to do
to us. We resent their new life and our lack of one. Consider the
amount of time wasted being in resentment? Exactly who suffers? The
answer of course is clear: you. You are the one who is angry, sad,
bitter and unhappy, not your ex. Your blame and resentment, along with
your regrets, are like poison in your system. It completely immobilizes
you.

How do we overcome these feelings of victimhood?
Here are some suggestions:

  • What is the truth of your marriage? If
    we are completely honest and courageous, we will have begun to
    recognize that indeed, we played an integral part in our marriage and
    divorce. All too often, we interpret events and situations in our
    marriage and believe them to be the truth. For instance, my husband was
    cheating and lied to me about it. I interpret that to mean that I am no
    longer desirable, that I failed as a wife. I live in my marriage as if
    that is a cold, hard fact. It is not. The fact is he cheated. Period.
    That fact could mean a hundred different things. Stick to the facts.
  • Where am I responsible? What were the
    warning signs along the way that I refused to acknowledge? Where was I
    in denial? Where was I an enabler? For example, I know a woman who was
    completely surprised when her husband left her. She went on to tell me
    that she always gave him total freedom to do whatever he wanted: trips
    that lasted a month at a time and little or no responsibility in
    rearing their children are just a couple of items on the list. She
    handled it all. Translation: she was an enabler and gave him the rope
    that was needed to strangle the marriage. Acknowledge where you didn’t
    do what you needed to do. Accept responsibility. Responsibility if
    empowerment.
  • Exactly what are you resisting? Why
    can’t you see the truth and accept responsibility? Why do you suppose
    you cannot accept the reality of your Life as it is now? These are
    questions that must be addressed. What do you gain by remaining a
    victim? Are you afraid of facing the truth? Are you living in what you
    think should be versus what is? Do you enjoy being a victim? Do you
    like the fact that being a victim absolves you of any responsibility
    and therefore any positive action?
  • If you are resisting the reality of your
    life, consider doing a turnaround and simply go with the flow of your
    life’s direction. Fighting reality is a useless business. The
    more you resist something the more it will persist. Consider the flow
    of a river. What does it feel like to swim against the current? That is
    what you do when you cannot accept what is.
  • Do you allow your fear of the unknown to run you? Are
    you afraid of your future? Are you afraid of being alone? What exactly
    are you afraid of? I recently heard someone say that they spend so much
    time worrying and little or nothing of what they worry about actually
    comes true! Do you see the insanity of that? As far as the future, we
    don’t know from day to day what the future holds for us. How about if
    you believed that your future was going to be just fine instead of
    being in fear? What if everything happens for a reason?
  • Consider your perspective on life.
    Your attitude. What is it? Do you believe that life is hard and unjust?
    Do you see all that is wrong and nothing that might be right? Let me
    tell you something, not only does your attitude affect how you handle
    life; it can actually determine your reality. If you believe that life
    is too hard then that is exactly what life will be for you. Kind of
    like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
  • Do things differently. If your
    victimhood along with it’s blame and resentment is not working for you
    (and I guarantee it isn’t) then for heaven’s sake, do things
    differently. Try on a new perspective. Examine the truth of your life
    versus your own personal interpretations. Take responsibility. Take
    actionable steps forward. Stop resisting. Get out and do new things,
    meet new people and don’t isolate yourself. Get back into the swing of
    things.
  • Learn from your experience and use that new wisdom for empowerment. Once
    you see the life lessons of your marriage and divorce (and believe me
    they are numerous and impactful) you can use that wisdom to be a better
    person, to help you to become the person that you truly want to be.
    Everything that happens to us in life has a hidden lesson for us if we
    only look for it. Might there actually be a silver lining in this storm
    cloud?
  • Consider the costs of remaining a victim?
    Do you want to live your life as a bitter and angry person? Is that how
    you ant to be seen? If you have children, is victimhood what you want
    them to model? How to you want to be seen? Do you realize that as a
    victim you have no power to change your life? Remaining a victim is a
    very bleak picture.
  • Choose a new and better life. Think
    of all the decisions and choices you make during the course of a day.
    Are they moving you away from being a victim or keeping you stuck
    there? Stop and think before you make important and even not so
    important decisions or choices. Our choices define us and determine the
    course of our life.

    • In closing, I want to share a few bits of wisdom from the Dalai Lama:

  • When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  • Follow the three R’s:
  • respect for self,
  • respect for others
  • and responsibility for all your actions.
  • Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
  • Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

    • Learn more about Shelley at: lifeafteryourdivorce.com