Getting Divorced-When You Didn’t Have Kids

Getting Divorced -When You Didn’t Have Kids

If you are divorcing and do not have children, well-meaning friends and relatives, in an attempt to comfort you, may say,It is a good thing you didn’t have kids. These may be the same folks who felt compelled to comment on you not having children during your marriage. Whether you have no children by choice, chance or circumstance, it is certainly a private matter. And while is it may be true that divorce isless complicated without children, there is a unique finality to the divorce of the childless couple.

When a couple divorces and there were no children, there is simply no reason for them to stay in touch. Women often grieve this loss of connection and envy those divorced women with children who still have a reason to be involved, on some level, with their former spouse. It sometimes feels unimaginable that this once intimate connection will completely cease. Some women have said,It is as if our marriage never happened. Furthermore, a childless couple who divorces is more apt to lose the connection with extended family and friends. This can compound the feelings of loss.

Well-meaning family and friends are often not sensitive to this experience. You may find yourself feeling unsupported in your journey through this difficult time. Some people may need to be reminded that your journey, while different from the marriage with children, is no less painful. Furthermore, it is important not to minimize your own experience by letting others’ opinions distort or trivialize your own grief.

Divorce is never easy, whether thereare children or not. The issues are different, but placing judgment on which ismore difficult undermines the process and invalidates each woman’s individual experience.

Grieve for all the losses in your marriage, even if others have difficulty validating your experience. Remember, this was your marriage; your grief and pain are uniquely yours. Ask for the support you need from people who can accept your process without judgment or qualification.

2009. Adapted from From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce by psychotherapist Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, which won Honorable Mention from the Independent Publishers Association. The book is now a classic in the field and has been a constant companion and support to thousands of women as they struggle with the demise of their marriage. She is presently interviewing women who chose not to have children for her third book, The Unconceivable Choice. If you are interested in being interviewed or want to learn more about her work, please visit www.donna@donnaferber.com