Differences Can Lead to Greater Intimacy

Goals or achievements are clearly defined destinations. In order to get there, you need to know and decide where you’re going. So, where do you want to go? What is it you’d like to achieve in your personal and professional life?

Why set goals?
Setting goals allows for personal achievement, building your confidence and the learning that occurs along the way. Here’s how to get on the right course to completing your goals.

Write it Downon paper.
There is something almost magically that happens when you write your goals down. A subtle message is sent to your subconscious and you’ll start moving in that direction. Looking at this list daily you’ll increase your chances and speed of achievement. Start visualizing the end result, see it in your mind and feel it like it is yours.

Obstacles
Be aware of the roadblocks that might get in your way to slow you down or prevent you from getting to the finish line. Awareness will help you plan ahead and avoid those stone walls, which are there to help you fight for what you really want.

Plan of Action
Determine what you need or how to get there. This is the plan, which can be modified along the way. Don’t get paralyzed by over analyzing the details. If you want to further your education, get online and look at schools, apply for the program, talk with the teaching staff about your goals. Any direction and movement is better than none.

Do It
Just like Nike says. Movement and action causes momentum. Doing something everyday is your daily baby step. Deciding to lose 20 lbs is done ounce by ounce each day.

Re-evaluation
Continually check your course. Answer these questions frequently. What action did I take today toward my goal of______? What will I do tomorrow?

Summary
The achievement of your personal and professional goals increases your confidence, improves your self esteem and opens the doors to new possibilities. Start out small and build on your success and confidence to bigger and better goals. Stop living small and safe. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Differences Can Lead to Greater Intimacy19678Differences Can Lead to Greater Intimacy Two questions:

  • Why do made-for-each-other love bugs butt heads, step on each others toes, and get their wires crossed?
  • In adiscussion with your sweetie, have you ever said something like,Well, in my book [fill in the blank].

The answer to the second question is, sure you have. The answer to the first question is this:

Thebook you’re referring to is the unique and complex mix of your preferences, opinions, priorities, standards, points of view, and sensitivities, all shaped by your DNA, upbringing, education, life’s experiences, religious or philosophical training, culture, and self-perception. It’s the guide for how you navigate life and it’s the standard by which you determine if others are flying right. In the context of your relationship, I call this your Foreplay Navigator. We all have one.

Here’s the problem: You behave (and judge your sweetheart) according to your Foreplay Navigator while your sweetheart behaves (and judges you) according to his or her Foreplay Navigator. It’s like playing a game with two different sets of rules where neither of you knows the others rules. True, the Foreplay Navigators of you and your sweetheart overlap in fundamental ways, but they also differ in a bazillion ways and it’s those differences that result in the head butts, stepped on toes, and crossed wires that often play havoc with intimacy.

If only you could push theprint button and exchange copies of Foreplay Navigators! Since you can’t, you must:
Never assume your sweetheart sees the world as you do. There are times when your differences require negotiation (such as whether to raise the baby Jewish or Baptist), but it is futile to butt heads over who’s right and who’s wrong. And while you may be passionate about what color the bathroom should be painted, your opinion does not rise to the level of universal truth. Differences are just that. They are not matters of right and wrong.

Never assume your sweetheart sees life as you do. It’s easy to get your toes stepped on if your sweetheart doesn’t know, for example, that according to your Foreplay Navigator, a gift certificate is the ultimate I-gave-this-no-thought acknowledgement of a special occasion, or having coffee with an ex who blew into town is tantamount to cheating. When you feel the pain of stepped on toes, it’s probably nothing more than an innocent clash of Foreplay Navigators.

Never assume your sweetheart sees you the way you see yourself. When you have beliefs that diminish your self-value (and who doesn’t), it’s easy to get your wires crossed and see or hear negative messages when no such thing is intended. Your sweetheart loves you. If you don’t believe that, reconsider your relationship situation. If you do, don’t twist your sweetheart’s words and actions to fit your self-perception. When you feel hurt or disappointed, take a close look at why. Perhaps it’s a chapter in your Foreplay Navigator that needs a rewrite. For example, if your sweetheart says,The rice is salty, and you hear,You’re a terrible cook, maybe the problem is your self-esteem.

Head butts, stepped on toes, crossed wires. They are inevitable in every relationship. You can allow them to destroy intimacy. Or, you can see them as opportunities to learn more about your own and your sweetheart’s Foreplay Navigator and if you do, you will have a richer, more intimate, and more rewarding relationship. I promise.

Shela Dean is a Relationship Coach, Speaker and Amazon Bestselling Author of Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy available through online booksellers, including Amazon and Shela’s website.