Enjoyable experiences shared leads to couple happiness

When the going gets tough – when you just want to fuck it all and grab any kind of pleasure you can get – whipping out the plastic to indulge on a shopping binge isn’t the answer. Like a bulimic on a food binge, you’ll feel worse inside, want to barf, and hate what you just bought. You’ll hate yourself too.
Sustainable bliss is an inside job. There isn’t a LBD (little black dress), diamond or luxury vacation that can make you feel good about who you are and your life circumstance. You know this. You’ve tried and tried before to feel good by shopping ’til you drop. And you’re still looking for your next hit.
The emotional pain of a transition such as a divorce, death of a loved one, professional set-back or even chronic low self-esteem is often temporarily numbed by a misguided attempt to buy your way back into feeling good. Like a drug addict, you will get a momentary emotional high as your new purchase is handed to you.
Soon after, though, the buzz wears off and you feel worse than you did before. Back to the mall for another hit is the answer for some, beating themselves up emotionally is the self-inflicted punishment for others. Neither will get you to a sustainable place of inner well being.
Let’s say you’re experiencing some kind of a sad storm of unwanted circumstances. Your emotions are flippin’ around like a live wire in a storm puddle and you want to jump out of your skin, out of your life. In that moment notice how you feel. You certainly don’t feel good.
When you look at the decisions you’ve made, the actions you’ve taken, in your life that were birthed in a state of feeling bad you’ll realize that those are the ones that didn’t work out so well for you. Not feeling good is a signal to stop and take notice of where you are and what is really going on inside.
I call it a ‘do no harm’ moment. That moment can last for minutes, hours, days or even weeks. How long it lasts really depends on what you do in that initial moment of transition from crazy freaked nut case to a sanely aware woman.
The first step is to sit yourself down. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Go down to the deepest depths of your despair and get in touch with all of it. If you have to, go to a private place and yell at the walls. Sit on your pissed off pot and really stink up the place. When you’re done, flush.
Or, grab any kind of a journal and write it all out. Grammar, punctuation, unreadable handwriting, and the use of obscenities are all OK. You don’t need to read it when you’re done. You can burn what you’ve written if you like.
Put a stop you your insanity.
Know this:
Events in and of themselves do not create stress, trauma or emotional despair. Its what you have these events mean for and about you that drive you to whatever is your chosen coping, pain numbing, drug of choice: compulsive shopping, excessive cosmetic surgery, mother’s little helper’s, food, or drama queen theatrics.
Once you have ‘outed’ your inner feelings take a new look at them from a distance. Without judgment of any kind notice where you’ve made assumptions or attached meanings. Discern what is really going on from what you’re adding to the experience.
Reach for a new perspective. How else could your situation be viewed? What is the gift, the silver lining, the lesson that can be learned in the experience? Don’t just try this new perspective on for size. Wear it well!
Once you’re in a place of calm inner strength, tap into your authentic and innate wisdom – your Moxie – for guidance. What step can you take, what can you do or say, that will get you headed in the positive direction you want to go? Take that step. And then another.
When you do shop again, ask yourself if you are making the purchase to create an inner ‘feel good’ moment or because you like the utility, beauty and affordability of the sparkling goodie. Notice your energy. If its in an upset or negative state, hold back. If you’re feeling good about yourself and your life go ahead and make your choice.
In that moment, you’ll know what action a sane person would choose. Enjoyable experiences shared leads to couple happiness20892Enjoyable experiences shared leads to couple happiness

A study from Cornell University reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology January 2010 issue found that experiences bring greater happiness and satisfaction than buying and owning possessions. This study examined what couples bought together, as well as for themselves and what they did together. The experiences that the couples engaged in together were what brought the most happiness. The study also showed that even though that new car or washer brought immediate elation, over time the experiences brought the couple more happiness. The memories actually brought them together in a way the material goods could not. This is good news in difficult economic times. Couples would be wise to focus on doing things together, whether that is going dancing, golfing, or hiking; these experiences are building the relationship in ways that a new car, washer, or watch cannot.

This study also reflects in how we treat our spouse. Many times when couples are trying to make up or resolve conflicts they buy chocolates, a new piece of jewelry, flowers, or some other trinket. Maybe their money would be better spent on a short trip, a camping adventure, dancing lessons, or an afternoon at the beach. We all know it isn’t the gift that makes a difference, but the giver. When we love someone we want their time. Couples who share time together report feeling happier regardless of how much money they have. The study also made a point to say that it wasn’t necessary to spend money during those experiences. What the couples responded to was enjoying each other, which seemed to make them more tolerant of each other during bad times. Just as you put money into your savings account, the more enjoyable time you put into your relationship, the more positive emotions you have for darker days. Below are tips for building up your relationship’s saving account.

1. When you come home from work before you change your clothes or anything else, greet your spouse. Go ahead and change into comfy clothes then, but make sure the first 20 minutes home are spent technology-free with your partner sharing each other’s day. Make your kids wait, their dad or mom comes first

2. Plan one event or activity once a week. Sex does not count because if you genuinely follow these steps, sex will be happening more frequently.

3. Praise your partner at least once a day for something they did or said that made you feel special. Can’t think of something? Then remind them of a great memory you shared together.

4. Touch your partner frequently. Couples touch more when they share activities together, and it is vital to your relationship. When a husband or wife is anxious, the simple holding of their partner’s hand can lower blood pressure and decrease respiration rates. Rubbing the back of your husband’s head can relieve his stress more effectively than a beer. Massaging your wife’s feet or shoulders is better than a box of chocolates.

5. The happiest couples also have a vision. During those weekly events talk about and work toward a common vision. As the marriage goes on, visions should be reached and new ones prepared for. Adding a new room to your home is a common vision. After that is completed, don’t stop. Think of the next common vision. It could be snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef or building a back yard pond. Whatever it is, do it together and keep growing together. People progress less when they don’t set goals, and so do marriages.

The next time you begin to get blue due to the economic conditions, turn to your spouse, hold their hand in yours and plan your next best memory. All that’s required is the two of you, and a willingness to share the experience.

Mary Jo Rapini

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Mary Jo is onMind, Body, and Soul with Mary Jo each Thursday morning at 9a.m. on Fox 26. Tune in to get real answers to your real relationship questions.