Husband Gift Guide

Now that I’ve
survived Black Friday relatively unscathed (having been rammed by only one
shopping cart this year), I’ve been giving some thought to a segment of society
which thinks the day after Thanksgiving is simply for eating leftovers. The
members of this segment go by a variety of names, but they are generally known
as men.  

Unlike the female
sector of our species, the male segment is not yet aware that we have entered a
crucial gift-buying period. This realization will not dawn on men until about 7
PM on Christmas Eve, at which time they will rush out to the nearest drugstore
and buy comically inappropriate gifts such as Garfield Chia Pets. Sadly, I know
this from personal experience.

That’s why, instead
of throwing out subtle hints that never actually penetrate my husband’s cranium,
I’ve come up this year with a written agreement that makes it easy for my man,
spelling out in great detail what he should and should not buy.  I’ve
thoughtfully posted copies of this document — titled Parameters of Wife
Christmas Gift Giving — in household places such as on the television and the
back of the toilet where my spouse is sure to see
them. 

For the sake of all
you other poorly-gifted women out there, I’ve included this helpful document
below. Feel free to use it in your own quest for a good gift. You can change it
to suit your personal present preferences.

Parameters of Wife
Christmas Gift Giving:

entered into by
Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”