The Teen Years – Keep The Faith

I attended a very interesting lecture last week on Alzheimers. The speaker, impressed on us several times that people don’t actually change’ their personalities with Alzheimers. If they were selfish and mean before they got it, best beware. If they were gentle and kind, the chances are good that they will be more amiable patients.

And so, if people basically don’t change’ when the brain goes through it’s many phases, and as I listen to my angry 9 year old shouting at the computer upstairs I can guess I am in for a good run in approximately 6 years. If she is angry and frustrated now with a simple States and Capitals test, just wait until she hits 16.

With four girls, including a set of twins life has always been busy. But our first child never really recovered from us having more. She has told me several times that she would have been a great only child which makes my heart break into four small pieces. One piece for her and three for the idolizing sisters.

She was always different. Demanding, very stubborn, with a wacky sense of humor. And she hasn’t changed one bit. No matter how many Sunday school classes she attended, how many family dinners, how much time I spent alone with her she remains the same person she always was. She will remember that her sisters were allowed to get their ears pierced at an earlier age than her, and that I was the Mom who wouldn’t give her a credit card.

And so as we proudly watched her graduate a few weeks ago, and no matter how many parents told me just how proud I must be with her achievements which are many, I still feel I failed her in some way. She doesn’t wake up and greet the day with a smile. She doesn’t notice beauty around her, she doesn’t feel remorse or it seems much of anything She only seems to notice what she can’t do, and particularly can’t have made harder as we live in an affluent town. But she doesn’t do drugs or drink you say, so how lucky you areAnd it’s true. But my husband and I aren’t talking because he can’t seem to actually say no to his first born or see when he is being manipulated and I am just plain tired of being the bad cop. So home is not so warm and fuzzy these days. The other three girls and my beloved pooch are keeping me sane as I count the days until her first day at college.

I’ll always wonder how I didn’t instill in her the joy of life’ the wonder of life’. Did I really make it all look so hard? Is it too late for her to get it’? Can you teach feelings and joy’ or are you born with them? What didn’t I do or say?

All I can do is say I did my best. I tried my best. I loved my best. The next four years I pray she meets friends that will be better teachers than her High School peers, and perhaps even a better teacher than I.

Life is such a gift, such a joy, and shouldn’t be an effort especially before it has even begun!!! And ultimately I pray that one day she meets a partner who lifts her spirits and moods and opens her up to what must be insidebut hasn’t yet been unlocked. I will keep the faiththat one day she’ll come home and I’ll just see it and sense it. A lightness. A kindness. A gratefulness for the family who loved her beyond measure. For the both of us.