4 Tips for Raising Children on the Autistic Spectrum

By Dalma Heyn
www.thelovegoddess.com

Charles left Miranda one day after a six-month love affair, with no satisfactory explanation. He just announced, during a good solid start at long-term love,Sorry, Miranda, I guess this isn’t working — said it not even kindly, at that. He wasn’t interested in hearing why Miranda thought that in fact it was working, quite wonderfully actually; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little working out now and again. No, he didn’t want to hear it. For him, it was over. So was all discussion on the topic.

It always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if you were just something to be left on the side of the curb like road kill. How do you ever find closure with a guy who heads for the hills and never tells you why? It’s gut-wrenchingly hard, but you have to find closure within yourself. Here’s how.

Cut your losses. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. You don’t decide that because he didn’t tell you anything, the cause of his departure are your thighs, or a fight you had, or your bad mood last month. A man who is too withholding and cowardly to explain himself has to be excised as brutally as he excised you. You tell yourself,I don’t want to spend my precious time with someone who doesn’t want to spend it with me. When all is said and done, isn’t that the truth?

Do not call him. He doesn’t want to talk? Then believe him. No quick texts; no trying to locate him; no flaming e-mails; no late-night calls begging for a reason why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (Do you really want to hear,Oh, it’s you. Um, yeah, right, hi.) You remind yourselfa thousand times, if you have to– that while you still want him, you do not NEED him. You have a roof over your head. (I remember, eons ago, when women literally needed men to have a life!) All that you need is good food, rest, exerciseand some calm downtime to get yourself up and ready to meet someone who wants you.

Do not idealize him now that he’s gone. We all tend to turn people into saints once they’re gone, but this person didn’t die; he bolted. Resist the urge to make him more desirable simply because he’s unavailable. And resist the corresponding urge toward self-blame. (The thigh thing again.)

Take your power back. Remember what it felt likereally felt liketo be with him. I don’t mean how you thought it could be if he loved you more; I mean most of the time. Were you exhausted? Walking on eggshells? Pushing to get closer? If so, you were at your worst and will never be at your worst again. If it was truly wonderful…..then the man isn’t just cowardly, he’s psychotic.
Don’t think,I should have known better. You couldn’t have known. You can’t spot one of these guys; he doesn’t wear a sign saying,I’m a disaster. The only way to avoid a man who can’t love you is to remember what it felt like in the past. When you’re with someone the next time, you’ll have a sense memory: a feeling of being exhausted, off-balance, nervous…. and you’ll run.

Meanwhile, lay low. Nurse your woundsthe way a hurt animal would. Don’t date; you’re not ready. But one day, you’ll meet an earth guy who loves being intimate; who wants to please you; who gets you, who makes you feel comfortable in your own skin a man who can express his feelings. And that man won’t sap your energyhe’ll make you feel alive again.

Dalma Heyn, M.S.W., Founder of The Love Goddess, is the author of several bestselling books on marriage and relationships. Dalma is a widely read columnist and sought-after speaker. She has appearedwithout her wings–on national talk shows including Oprah, The View, Charlie Rose, Good Morning America, and Larry King Live. For more information visit www.thelovegoddess.com or www.dalmaheyn.com.

4 Tips for Raising Children on the Autistic Spectrum191484 Tips for Raising Children on the Autistic SpectrumOrganized children are typically successful children. This is especially true for autistic children. Learning organizational skills helps kids develop their focus, concentration and motor skills. Helping children on the autism spectrum learn to be organized can be more challenging because they are easily distracted, require visual cues and often times have limited motor skills.

Autistic kids are typically visual learners, which means they generally learn and perform better when provided with visual instructions and prompts. Below are four tips on how you can help your child be organized, develop skills and make smooth transitions between activities using visual instructions and prompts.

These organization tips may need to be adjusted depending on your child’s age and abilities. You can use these tips as a reference guide.

#1 – Create an easy-to-use and maintain bin system for your child’s supplies and toys. Separate the types of toys and supplies into individual bins. Take photographs of each type of toy or supply contained within and tape the photograph to the front of each corresponding bin.

For example: Place a photograph of Lego’s to your child’s bin that contains Lego’s. Do the same with markers, plush toys, crayons, and so on. Even if the bins are clear (transparent), it will be easier for your child to be organized if s/he has a visual cue as to where their toys or supplies belong. Choose bins with easy to remove lids or no lids.

#2 – Display your kid’s toys, supplies and clothing. It is easier for all children, especially autistic children, to stay organized and function if they can see their belongings. Drawers do not usually work well for children on the autism spectrum. If you must use drawers, tape a photograph on the front of each drawer that corresponds to what is kept in the drawer. If possible do not combine items into one drawer. Hang as many of their clothes as possible or fold them and place them on shelves, preferably in cubbies. Place jeans in one cubby, sweaters in another and so on. Socks, underwear and pajamas are best placed in transparent bins with photographs taped to the front.

#3 – Set up daily routines and stick to them as much as you can. Creating and following regular daily routines can make transitioning from one activity to another less upsetting for you child. Children on the autism spectrum often thrive when they have daily routines and typically react poorly to changes in routines. Once a solid routine is in place, small changes can be introduced slowly. Introducing small changes can actually help your child develop coping strategies to deal with transitions. It is best to introduce changes in routines in very small steps. Gradually, your child will be able to use strategies like social stories and self talk to work through the anxiety they experience when making transitions.

One helpful organizing routine — Give your child a 10-minute heads-up before supper each day and then ask them set an egg timer for 10 minutes. Teach them that when the timer goes off, they are to pick up all of their supplies and toys and place them in the appropriate bins.

This daily exercise establishes a routine, lets your child know what to expect, gives them a 10-minute lead-time and then provides them a distinct audio clue when it’s time to pick up and get organized. It is important to ask your children to set the egg timer, not you. It gets them more involved in the process and they will be more likely to follow through.

An addition to this routine — When the egg timer goes off and it’s time to pick up and get organized, you could play a specific song that your child then recognizes as thepick-up and get organized song. This can make it fun, playful, soothing and also can help keep them on task and get the work done faster.

#4 Take your child’s schedule and make it a picture schedule. Picture schedules work best for all kids on the autistic spectrum. Set up the picture schedule so that when your child is finished with the task or activity they can move that corresponding picture to the all done side of their schedule. Basically you are creating an interactive picture schedule that your child can “control”. Their picture schedule could also be organized by first, next, last. This gives them a specific order of the tasks and they can move the picture to the “completed” side.

To be help your child get and stay organized use visual aids and keep it simple. All four of these tips are only to be used as guidelines and ideas. Consider modifying and adjusting these ideas as you see fit based on your child’s needs, abilities and age. Each child on the autistic spectrum reacts a little differently, has different needs and is functioning at varying levels.

Getting your home and life organized will make life easier for both you and your child.

About the Author
Heidi DeCoux is the publisher of the Life Made Simple e-Magazine and is a professional organizer, speaker, and productivity coach in Minneapolis. Heidi energizes her readers’ lives by simplifying their homes and schedules. For more info, free tips, and to receive her FREE special report, The Fast & Easy Way to Get Organized and Stay Organized Forever, visit http://www.HeidiDeCoux.com. You’ll discover how to find what you want fast, so you can spend more time having fun!