Dare to be Fearless with Your Teen

Dare to be Fearless with Your Teen
By Evonne Weinhaus and Cindy Smith

As a parent, when your child hits theterrible twos, you generally know what you’re in for tantrums, shouts ofno and in general bad behavior. But the age is short lived, and quickly your toddler transforms into an adorable pre-school child whose cherubic face beams from photos scattered around your house.

What seems like all too soon, that faces turns into a mask of terror and thetumultuous teenage years are upon you. These years can seem endless, fraught with uncertainty, a tug of war for independence, and a battle for control.

Terrible twos instill mild tension in your heart.Teenager leaves you scared witless. One parent of a teen summed it up well:My daughter went to bed as Cinderella and woke up as Godzilla.

In my 25 years as a relationship therapist, I have realized that the cast of characters may change and the scenarios may be different but one thing remains constant: People never outgrow playing childhood games. When life becomes stressful, when fear paralyzes them, they revert to old behavior and still play familiar games like Hide and Seek. The only difference? The playing field is bigger- it’s the whole world around us.

Now I want to ask you a question. When was the last time you played Hide and Seek?

Yes, Hide and Seek. Remember that game you played as kids around the old oak tree? It probably seems like a lifetime ago! But the bad news is you may be playing Hide and Seek or other childhood games right now. You just don’t know it.

How do you play? Simple. You hide from fear and seek answers outside yourself by trying to make your teenagers change.

And herein lies the good news. I’m going to give you some tips about changing yourself, not your teen, and developing a parenting style that is driven by love, not by fear. And wouldn’t you rather be at peace than arguing all the time? A smile versus a snarl from your teen would be a pleasant change!

You need to find that healthy balance between letting go (turning responsibility over to your teen) and taking a stand on issues when you need to. I realize you want to protect your children, but it is often your fear that is driving you into over-controlling your teen or on the reverse side, giving all the control to your teen.

Sure there are many new parenting challenges today. Our teenagers have grown up wired since birth, and know a computer like you knew a calculator. They can text faster than you can talk! And the Internet, which has given them unlimited access to information, is also filled with pornography and depraved individuals looking to prey on their innocence. You now have to worry about sexting and their privacy issues. You no longer hear their music because it is all downloaded to their iPOD. What are they listening to?

However, many things about teenagers have not changed, although if you asked them, their generation is thefirst and we obviously don’t know what we are talking about. Teenagers still drink and do drugs. They skip school. They get speeding tickets and smash their cars.

Let’s look at an example about a mother who is similar to many other parents who wants their goals and dreams to drive their behavior, but they sabotage themselves and their relationship with their teens. Unbeknownst to them, FEAR is driving their behavior. They rob themselves of all their energy by trying to outrun their fear and over-control their teen’s life or they swing the other way and give up too much of their control.

Katherine thought she was just helping her daughter when she found out her daughter was skipping school. First, she tried calling the teachers to get her daughter’s homework assignments so she wouldn’t fall behind in her grades. She even reorganized her days around her daughter’s school schedule by escorting her to and from school daily. But guess what? As soon as her daughter saw her mother’s car pull away, she left the school grounds.

What was Katherine hiding from and what was she seeking? Simply put, she was hiding from conflict and seeking peace. More specifically, she was hiding from the fear of confrontation, or worse yet, her daughter flunking out of school, and seeking awe are in this together attitude. The bottom line: Katherine was feeling emotionally and physically drained. She had to make a change, removing the burden from her shoulders and placing it where it rightfully belonged on her daughter.

She laid down the ground rules and followed-up by saying to her daughter:

I have been worried about you going to school and I feel frustrated with you skipping (stating her thoughts and feelings).

I know you’ve been hassled by me (recognizing the teen’s feelings).

From now on, it’s up to you to work out your attendance record with your school (turning over responsibility).

I will no longer talk to your teachers or drive you to school anymore (taking a stand).

She made a clear, concise statement about her own actions. She couldn’t change her daughter’s actions, but she could change her reactions.

Turning over responsibility to your teen is not always easy, but first of all, it teaches teens responsibility. Secondly, it shows them that YOU have faith in their ability. Third, it gives them a sense of pride when they succeed and better prepares them for the future challenges they will have to face when you’re not there.

Understand, teens may have to fail to respect your sense of guidance. The challenge for you is to be fearless enough to let your teens try, even if they fail. Katherine’s daughter experienced this first-hand. She ended up in summer school that year and decided that was no fun. The following year she vowed never to go to summer school again hitting the books while her friends were sun bathing was no fun!

Taking a stand can be hard as well. Ask yourself the questionWhat action can I take? This is YOUR part of the problem. Make sure YOU are the subject of the sentences and you use an action verb. For example, Katherine told her daughter:I will no longer talk to your teachers or drive you to school anymore. Don’t threaten consequences you can’t carry out follow-through is key.

Keep in mind that your success of letting go does not depend on what your teen does. You are being a fearless parent by giving them the opportunity to take care of themselves and experience the consequences.

By turning responsibility over to your child and taking a stand, you are stopping the game playing. You are no longer playing Hide and Seek- hiding from fear and seeking answers outside yourself. As a fearless parent, you learn how to develop that healthy balance between turning over responsibility to your teen and taking a stand on the part of the problem that directly affects your life.

My challenge to you? Dare to be fearless.

Evonne Weinhaus, LCSW, LPC is the co-author of three books A New Fearless You, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, and Stop Struggling With Your Child. She is also a sought-after speaker and relationship therapist. For more information about Evonne Weinhaus, go to www.anewfearlessyou.com. Cindy Smith, MA is a recovering skeptic, now a faithful believer in self help. Cindy is an Internet marketing guru and President of All About Clicks.