10 Survival Tips for the Mother of the Bride

My daughter, Jenny, was recently married to her fianc, Paul, in a beautiful sunset beach wedding in Mexico with a small group of family and friends present.

Over the past year, we spent a lot of mother/daughter time planning the wedding. Since I live in Dallas and my daughter, Jenny, lives in San Francisco, we had to be creative and plan our time carefully. We had fun moments and times where Paul and I talked the brideoff the ledge of stress and anxiety.

It’s taken me some time to reflect on what it means to have a married daughter. The year of planning flew by like sand flowing through an hourglass.

There are some things you can do to survive and avoid meltdowns by you or your daughter. Here are some tips to help you manage when planning your daughter’s wedding:

1. It’s your daughter’s wedding, not yours. You may have ideas and visions of what you want your daughter’s wedding to be like, especially since you’ve probably thought of this day for years. She may have an entirely different vision. Let go of yours and listen to hers.

2. Have the budget conversation as soon as you can after she is engaged. The sooner you discuss money and what you can afford, the better. Jenny and I worked diligently to make sure we kept the wedding expenses within the budget and to her credit, she was very responsible about it. There are wonderful books for planning weddings to help you plan and manage your budget. Otherwise, it’s completely overwhelming and can get out of hand in a hurry without some parameters.

3. Hire someone to help you coordinate the wedding details. Don’t even think about doing it all yourself.

4. Have fun shopping for her dress. One of our favorite moments together was when she tried on a dress and said,Mom, I feel like a bride in this dress. We both got teary-eyed. She ultimately chose that dress. Your daughter will pick a dress that is an expression of who she is. To avoid disappointment, make sure she knows in advance what you can spend on a dress, veil, shoes and jewelry. We found a beautiful pair of earrings that she wore with her wedding dress and she can also wear with a black evening dress. Be on the lookout for great sales and accessories she can use later. She’ll also want new makeup.

5. Be prepared to rescue her from her stress. One Saturday morning, Jenny called, almost tearful, and said she was overwhelmed thinking about her registry. Of course, as the mother of the bride, I immediately volunteered to fly out, shop with her, and help her sort it out. We had a wonderful weekend together in San Francisco. Patience, a sense of humor and your best listening skills are essential throughout the planning process.

6. Keep your husband informed of the budget and involve him in the planning. If you are married to the bride’s father, keep him posted and involved as much as possible. Dads are often left out or mostly left to write the checks. My husband, Tom, contributed great ideas and even put together an amazing video of photos of both the bride and groom’s families. He surprised us all, even me, as he showed it at the reception.

7. Buy a book for Mother of Brides. Affectionately called aMOB Mother of the Bride, we are the ones that keep everything together from budget discussions to soothing the bride’s anxieties, from managing the family dynamics to keeping the planning timeline moving. You’ll find great advice on wedding etiquette, how to be a great host at the wedding and other invaluable tips.

8. Acknowledge and ask for what you want. Not wanting to be an overbearing mom, I wanted to make her day special. You do want to make sure you don’t totally lose everything you want though. The tip from the MOB book I found most helpful was to learn that the Mother of the Bride should be the last one to see the bride before she and her father walk down the aisle. I would have guessed that in a traditional church wedding, but because we were at a resort, her friends were visiting with her in her room and I felt like I wouldn’t have any private time with her. So I told Jenny what the book said and that I needed that brief few minutes to ride with her and her dad to the beach for the ceremony. I wanted to give her a hug before she walked down the aisle. Her friends were cordial and understanding and left to give us that time together.

9. Shop early enough for your own dress. Give yourself enough time to find a dress that you love that matches your budget. This is a time for you to look great and be comfortable throughout the evening. You can have a dress made for about the same cost as a dress at a department store or nice boutique. Make sure you consult with your daughter on the color you want to wear.

10. If events don’t go as planned, roll with the punches and enjoy the day. It started raining about halfway through the ceremony and the pastor completed the wedding by leaving out a few things. We’ve been assured, though, that rain during the ceremony is good fortune. There were small things that didn’t go as planned, however, the big picture is that everyone had a great time and Jenny and Paul are very happy together. In the end, no one will remember the things that were not right and most likely didn’t know in the first place that something wasn’t right. If they did, it contributes to the charm and the memories of the occasion.

Planning her wedding was fun, yet we are all relieved it’s over. The key thing to remember is to cherish the times you have with your daughter and not put the wedding before your relationship. Soon she’ll be a woman with a new home, a new name and a new life and you’ll want to look back on the fun you had planning her wedding and enjoying her celebration of marriage.

- Kathy Garland

Ignite Your Imagination. Focus Your Future.
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