Communication Breakdown Part 3: Badmouthing Others

Christmas Eve is three days away!!!!! Three day count down to the feast of the seven fishes at my parents hose. Hubby and I salivate in anticipation.

You see, my parents are Italian-American (there’s also some Scottish and German in there). So that means every Christmas Eve since the time of my birth I have participated in this storied seafood soie.

When my grandfather was alive (and well) he would bring over a crackled black cast iron cauldron; placing it gingerly on our glass top stove… he would work feverishly at the kitchen sink cleaning like a madman, whistling, cooing, and wooing his freshly caught prey. Inside that kettle all sorts of oils and liquids would bubble and squeak, perfectly crisping up the de-scaled, de-veined, and otherwise (nearly alive) creatures that were zealously tossed into it… ending in their culinary demise.

Grampa would bring over an assortment of seafood delights. In his treasure trove there were shrimp and smelts to be fried, there were mussels and clams to be steamed, there was baccala, tuna steaks, calamari and scungili… folded into a scintillant bouillabaisse. And let’s not forget the live eel… Yeahhhhh…I think I’ll leave that one to your imagination.

My grampa was a short, stout man with striking features and lively eyes. He was more gnome than nobleman. More Santa than Sinatra. He was a cross between Michaelnagelo and a magical elf.

My grandfather- a brilliant scientist, a voracious reader, an expert gardener. He was hilarious and mischievous. He was rebellious and rambunctious. He rode a Harley Davidson, and helped me make a telephone out of two tin cans and a twine of string. Grampa grew the juiciest, reddest, plumpest tomatoes, introduced me to gooseberries, and harbored an inhuman hatred towards the beavers who gnawed down his precious cherry trees.

Grampa would brew me concoctions of comfrey tea and rhubarb chews to clear up a pimple and ease digestion woes. We’d watch old reruns of Stark Trek the Original Series while I doodled on scrap paper trying to perfect my penmanship. He would craft me cheese sandwiches and steam them up in an antiquated microwave oven that he kept hidden in the back pantry of his crooked kitchen. The plaster was cracked and the windows were smudged but it was warm and dimly lit… and far away from an anxious day of fitting in at a new school – St. Patrick’s Elementary… it was a far cry from the glory days of Pizza Hut’s “Book-it” in third grade at Charles Sumner public school…

By the time I got to Grampa’s I was starving. I’d devour his bachelor stash of TandyKakes and Club crackers and then sneak back there to eye the treasures lurking in the shadows of that sloping food closet. On the walls hung all sorts of handles and levers, silver things, gold things, shiny sparkly things. Things with feathers that were used to catch fish, things sealed away in leather pouches with shiny buckles and snaps…

On those chilly afternoons after school, while Spock and Kirk chatted with Bones McCoy, Grampa dozed off at the kitchen table warmed only by the heat of the pilot light on his gas stove. That’s when I’d make my move… off to delicately inspect the wares of that magical pantry. The air was hung with wood chips and diesel, old spice and stale bread… it smelled like heaven.
Communication Breakdown Part 3: Badmouthing Others18344Communication Breakdown Part 3: Badmouthing OthersCommunication Breakdown Part 3: Badmouthing Others Behind Their Backs

From Glamour magazine, 11 Things Guys Just Don’t Understand about Women, it seems that the biggest beef men have with women is that they can’t understand our style of communication. Seriously, six of the eleven things were about communication!

Men and women have very different styles of communication. I know, newsflash, right? Let me break it down and offer some tips to improve communication between the sexes. There are five major differences in communication between men and women, in my personal experience.

The third thing that men just don’t understand about women iscattiness and talking about people behind their back.

Nothing shows a guy how insecure a woman is faster than talking badly about someoneespecially another woman– behind their back. And nothing turns a guy off faster than an insecure woman. The only cure for this is maturity. Grow up, figure out the parts of yourself you really like and make the most of them. Figure out the parts you don’t like and work on either improving or accepting them.

I’ll give you a big hint. If a trait or behavior in someone really bothers you, look in the mirror. It’ll be something that you’re not willing to own in yourself. Hate women who dress sexy and have men drooling over them? What stories are buried in your subconscious about women like that? What would happen if you dressed sexy and had men drooling over you? What thoughts pop up for you when you imagine doing it? Maybe you have a poor body image (real or imagined), or maybe you come from a conservative religious background. What’s good about dressing sexy and having men drool? I can think of some things: you’d feel great about your body, it can be fun to be the center of attention, when you look sexy, you feel sexy, there’s a certain power in drawing men to you, and sometimes it’s just plain fun! There’s a saying,what you don’t own, owns you. Until and unless you’re willing to embrace all aspects of yourself, you won’t be a fully empowered person.

This was just one example of what is called your Shadow. According to C.G. Jung, the shadow isa part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts The less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. (Wikipedia, Shadow Psychology) To identify a message, you first have to hear it with your conscious mind. This first step helps us reclaim our power because the messages we tell ourselves have the greatest power over us when we listen to them subconsciously. Once we shine the light of our consciousness on them, they begin to lose their power over us. In that way, we gain the ability to ask ourselves if we really want to believe the messages.

The bad news is that uncovering all the aspects of your Shadow can be a life-long process. The good news is that it gets easier every time you do it, and the clearer you become, the more centered and secure you’ll be with yourself. You’ll be a veritable man magnet! Debbie Ford has written several books about the Shadow, and I’d recommend you work with them (each book has a series of exercises to complete) to help you uncover the gifts within your own Shadow.

Johanna Lyman is an Abundance Coach, Channel for Divine Love and Wisdom, and an Intuitive Healer. She is the author of the Messenger Mini Book, Attracting Abundance: Four Powerful Practices to Align Your Life With Your Life’s Purpose. She can be reached at Johanna@johannalyman.com or 774-262-4211. www.johannalyman.com