But I Don’t Want to Hurt You

I often hear this from clients:

I didn’t tell my wife I was unhappy because I didn’t want to hurt her.

I haven’t told my children I’m sick because I don’t want them to worry.

I can’t tell my boyfriend I want to see other people because he’d be upset.

In other words:I can’t tell you the truth because I don’t want to hurt you

I’ve used this reasoning myself to justify not speaking my truth. And the irony is, that in trying toprotect others by not speaking my truth, I am lying.This causes enormous damage, especially to those I love, the very people I’m trying toprotect.

I saw this with stunning clarity after my marriage ended. I realized (with the help of a good coach) I had spent years withholding from my husband how unhappy I was, becauseI didn’t want to hurt him.This withholding led to the chain of events that ended our marriage.And of course, he was deeply hurt, despite my attempts toprotect him.

So I know the devastation caused when we don’t speak our truth out of fear of hurting or angering someone. The intention is good, perhaps, but it is based on an incorrect premise: That I am responsible for how you feel.

In NonViolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg calls this confusion emotional slavery- I think I’m responsible for your feelings, and I hold you responsible for mine.The path to emotional freedom, he says, is to remember whose feelings I AM responsible for my own.

Our feelings are determined by our thoughts.Feelings are notcaused by something outside of me.You don’tmake me angry I get angry based on my thoughts about what you’ve said or done.

Example: Your ex is late (again) to pick up the kids. How do you react? With anger? (How can he be so inconsiderate of my time?)With worry?(I wonder if something awful happened!)Or perhaps with pleasure? (I get more time with the kids). One action, three different responses, based on your interpretation of the event.

The mistaken belief that I am responsible for your feelings (and you for mine) destroys my authentic self-expression and sense of personal power.It makes me avictim of your actions. It keeps the truth hidden and stops the flow of Life.Out of fear ofhurting you, I pretend things are different than they really are. And you do the same with me.We lie to each other, out of a false belief we are protecting one another from pain.

One last piece:

My lover once admitted he had kept something from me, because he thought it might upset me.I responded: If I’m upset by your truth so what?I’m a big girl.I can handle a little upset.Don’t patronize me byprotecting me. Give me the truth, and let me make the best decisions for me, based on your truth for you. That is real love: honoring me enough to tell me the truth. Having the courage to face my reaction.Notprotecting me with withholds.

The truth allows the future to unfold as it is meant to unfold.My mentor used to say:The truth WILL set you free, but first it will piss you off. Allow your loved ones room for their emotions in response to your truth. Be true to yourself, true to your loved ones, and true to the unfolding of Life.

Renee Cooperis the co-founder and coach at One Journey Consulting, a coaching consulting practice in Wayland dedicated to personal renewal and rediscovery through life transitions. More information can be found at www.OneJourneyConsulting.com.