Sisters Ghosts From their Childhood

It’s sad when sisters close in age don’t get along. You love each other because you are related, but when you harbor resentments from childhood, it’s hard to like each other.

Barbara, at 46, is two years older than Yvonne. They live about 30 minutes apart. They have both have eight year old sons who are best friends.

It’s so friggin’ hard, exclaims Barbara, petite with long straight hair. Yvonne’s always complaining that she has to drive further to get the boys, or my son gets more attention than hers, or that my husband and I have more money so we buy our children more.

Yvonne counters.Mom and Dad always help you more than me, and they call you more often. It’s just like when we were kids; you always got more sprinkles on your ice cream.

Grow up, Yvonne, Barbara hisses.

Yvonne heaves a deep sigh.It’s easy for you to say. I know it sounds childish, but I can’t help what I feel. You do get more. You always have. You were the cute, smart one, the goody-two-shoes. I was the big lumbering kid with curls going in all directions. I could never sit still in school, was always getting in trouble. You were the perfect child, and now you’re the perfect Mom.

This may sound like childish rivalry but it is very painful and real to Yvonne, who competently manages a music store. But ghosts from childhood have long arms and reach far into the future if these old images aren’t addressed.

There are numerous reasons why siblings have problems with each other, such as parental favoritism and crystallized roles.

In talking about their roles, Yvonne sees herself as an inadequate bad kid. She is shocked, therefore, when Barbara acknowledges being in thegood child role. She explains, tho, what a high price she has paid.

I saw what Mom and Dad went through with you. I was real young when I made a pact with myself; I would always do whatever they wanted. When they told me I couldn’t take the dance lessons I so dearly wanted, I decided I didn’t really want to dance. I have a gazillion examples like that. I gave up myself in order to be their good daughter.

As they share memories from their elementary years, which is when roles get formed, they see where their parents essentially guided them into these contradictory roles, and how their different personalities made it easy to accept them.

Sisters have a hard time letting each other change their crystallized role. Hearing how your sister’s role affected her self-image won’t necessarily make you feel better, but it can be a stepping off point for understanding how both of you have suffered because of these roles.

Here’s an exercise that helped Barbara and Yvonne.

1. Write down all the negative images you each carry about the other.

2. Compare the list, and be prepared for surprises.

The sisters stare at each other, totally surprised. Maybe they stare at the little girl their sister used to be. I imagine they struggle seeing old scenes from a new angle. A transformation is beginning. Then, as if simultaneously, they stand and hug and cry.

I wish I could say that things then improved dramatically. They didn’t, but it was a foundation for finding different interpretations to the problems they have with each other today.

They make a new pact, this time with each other. When annoyed, they will check to see if the feelings are warranted today or left over from childhood.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis has been a marriage and family therapist for more than 39 years. She specializes in working with adult siblings. Contact her for her next teleseminar on enhancing your sibling relationships, and for her Unique Retreats for Women. Author of many books, her latest is Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary. For more information, she can be contacted at 513-542-0646 or DrKarenGailLewis.com.