Do You Give Up Pieces of Yourself To A Man?

Question:  Married or single, are you less assertive when you are involved with a man?

Do you give up little pieces of who you really are?  Do you find that when you are not involved with a man (or he is out of town for long periods of time) you are freer?  You feel stronger?  After a break up, do you get more involved in your life?

Many women, when asked this, say, “Absolutely not.”

I believe these women, but I also believe that many of them may not even aware how much of themselves, even in little ways, they lose when involved with a man.

Here’s a story from Marlene, a 51 year old woman, married to Carlos for 19 years.  She is self-employed and extremely accomplished.  She is mother to two teenage daughters.

We were having a great time on a driving vacation out west, just the two of us.  Carlos did most of the driving, but one afternoon, I took the wheel.  On one long stretch of road, I decided to drive a bit below the speed limit.  Then to my horror, I heard myself say – to myself – “he won’t like that,” and I resumed the speed limit.

Why did I even care?  It made no sense.  I can make my own decisions about what speed feels safe.  I was horrified, and it got me wondering if I do that about other things without even noticing.  The irony, of course, is Carlos really would not have cared.

With women coming out of a relationship or marriage, I so often hear  similar stories, like the following one, that I now refer to this period as a “renaissance,” meaning “re-birth.”  Leaving a man gives her the emotional space to find more for herself.  Here’s Chelsea’s story:

I was so depressed after Stuart left me.  It took me a while to even be able to go out of the house.  But, when I forced myself, I found a new energy.  I started taking dance lessons, returned to Church, and took a literature course at the college.  Now, I am the one to bring my girlfriends together for evenings out and get-aways.

So, here’s a challenge.  Take a close look at yourself during a whole week.  Look beneath the cover of how you see yourself, how others see you.  Are there pieces of yourself, like with Marlene, that sneak out when you’re not looking?  Are there pieces of yourself that you keep hidden, like with Chelsea?  If you don’t look, you won’t necessarily know if you are giving away little pieces of yourself. 

Question: Do you need to get any of yourself back?  If so, what can you do?  Lock yourself in your metaphorical bathroom and reflect, talk to your friends, join a women’s group, attend a women’s retreat.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis has been a marriage and family therapist for more than 39 years.  She runs Unique Retreats for Women Ready for Change that helps women look more closely at  what they want for themselves and how they may give away too much of themselves.  She is also the author of many books, her latest is Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary.  For more information, she can be contacted at 513-542-0646 or DrKarenGailLewis.com.