Prepare for the Holidays: Deal with Difficult Relatives

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 at 7pm
Thousand Crane Restaurant, 126 West Pearl St in Nashua, NH
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Prepare for the Holidays: Deal with Difficult Relatives19212Prepare for the Holidays: Deal with Difficult RelativesAs The Confidence Coach helping people deal with difficult people, I am acutely aware of how much anxiety many people feel with the impending holidays. Theaura surrounding holidays is that they are fun, festive and warm for everyone. Of course those people with loving, supportive families do find holidays to be this way, but many people struggle mightily trying to deal with their difficult relatives.

For some people it’s the in-laws, or maybe the ageing parents, or the siblings who always have to show off their success. It could take the form of any kind of behavior, but for the person experiencing the difficulty, it’s all the same it hurts.

We know we can’t change others, so there isn’t anything we can do to prevent or control the behavior of these relatives. There are, however, many things we can do to take care of ourselves and to help us prepare for and survive the holidays. We might even find they are enjoyable this year for the first time.

The following are a few ideas for dealing with those difficult relatives when you have to interact with them:

(1) Pay attention to your own reactions andtriggers when in the presence of another relative. We don’t realize sometimes how we let a person’s behavior get under our skin and set us off in a negative way. Remember that while you do not control your relative, you control your reaction to them. If you know thatBrother Al always brags about his income and his boat, instead of immediately reacting with a negative internal or external comment, change your approach. This year, congratulate Al and tell him how genuinely happy you are for his success. Then just walk away and go get a glass of water in the kitchen.

(2) Emphasize the positive. Let’s not put on rose-colored glasses and pretend we love everyone, but we can find some moments of joy in the day. We have a tendency to put all of our focus and energy on those people who annoy us, ignoring that there are often others present with whom we enjoy spending time. Even those annoying people can have their moments where we find them pleasant. My grandmother was a very difficult woman and hard to break through to, so I would picture her as a little girl needing attention. When I saw herhard-heartedness as a cry for attention, it helped me to embrace her.

(3) Reframing is always a tool at our disposal when we find ourselves in a difficult situation. Instead of ruminating over the lost holidays, or the way you wish it could be, put a new frame around it: It’s only one day, or one weekend, depending on your family celebration. You probably don’t live with these family members so it’s a short period of time. Bring some balance into the picture so that instead of just painting a negative brush over everything, you establish some reality. Unless you are actually being beaten up physically in which case only leaving will work you can frame it any way you like.

(4) Practice turning your attention inside and focus on deep breathing. Watch your physical reactions to the relatives you don’t like. We usually have our heart rate or pulse increase, or we may feel down and depressed. When you notice yourself having a reaction, begin to focus on your breath. Breathe deeply in and deeply out and let no one else know you are doing this. Focusing on your breathing takes your attention away from the people out there. Be in relationship with your breath, while you pretend to listen and nod at what others are saying!

Holidays may not become the joyous event we all wish them to be, but you can alleviate your stress and approach them with confidence using some of these ideas.

Contact Beverly at: beverly@the-collaborative.com
Visit Beverly’s web site: www.understandingotherpeople.com