Female sacrifice and the havoc it causes

When I see a woman with lipstick on her teeth, I cannot resist to check mine. The same goes for when I see women act in a certain way. I immediately see myself reflected and think “Oh no!”

It happened last week. I saw unnecessary sacrifice and it triggered mybuttons hugely. How many of us aredoing thisand how much do we wreak havoc with it?

I meta woman who works in a jobsheistired off – to support her husband’s marginal business in an industry he loves. Sherepeatedly pointed outthat her full time work was very demanding, but paid their bills. She clearly resented working full time, I picked it up from comments like these; “I am so tired, I need a break but there is no way I can get one. Not like you, darling, you can hit the couch whenever you like.” Oops, it was a throw away remark but a sign that all was not well. She continued- as if to convinceherself to say that sheloved her job, albeit it was demanding and in the same breath she went on to say to her partner; “More time off to do fun things whenI feel like it would be great though -likeyou going fishing with your mates this last Thursday, love.”

The sacrifice and confusion oozes through these comments. I see a martyr. I see resentment feeding passive aggressiveness. I see venomous comments flying like darts and then bingo, another sour relationship.. .all becauseof a misplaced tendency tosacrifice one’s self.

Thisinvisible sacrificing tendency keepsus stuck in a situation we have created for ourselves with no way of knowing how to get out. In the end we cannot even speak our mind because we have forgotten what we want; we have created invisible mental confusion and havoc in our lives. I know, I’ve been there and said things like these; “Oh, I am alright, don’t worry about me, you go and play, you deserve it. I really have to catch up with my to-do list.” Yeah right, I am NOT alright at all, what do I deserve? In the end people around us and partners in particularare left wondering; what did they do to get nasty throw away comments and dirty looks.

People aroundusdon’twantsacrifice, theywantclarity. Female sacrifice creates havoc. Sacrifice from martyrs is NOT a good look;it is not noble and doesn’t serve anybody. Knowingmy mind and speaking up confidently about whatI want is what benefits everybody. It allows for negotiation and makingchanges that work forboth parties. If you don’t declare firmly what you want, orconversely keep declaring that; “I cannot possiblyquitmy job” nobody will offer to support you in finding a solution. And I mean nobody; not the people around you, nor the Universe.

Once I got that and saw the benefits to everyone of declaring what I want,I became very motivated to stop the sacrificing habit. Next isworking on my win /win negotiating skills. It is one thing to say what you want; the next step is to make it clear how much you want it, be steadfast and make it happen, knowing you deserve it.

Wilma Ham publishes Wilma’s Blog and is founder of WomenLikeMe, an online learning community promoting self care, abolishing martyrdom and supporting women to be strong basecamps.