Want a healthy relationship? Begin by being true to yourself.

Have you ever felt like you were being pulled in several directions at once? Is your to do list growing, by the second? Wouldn’t you like to pull your clone out of the closet to get things done?
If so, you aren’t alone. Life balance and peace doesn’t just magically appear one Saturday morning. The good news is, it is possible. The bad news is, it takes some conscious effort and even the best of us get a little off track at times.
The one thing to keep in mind is this:everything that you say YES to, you are saying NO to something else. Understanding that secret is the key to getting your life in balance. If you decide to say yes to coaching your child’s little league team, you are saying no to other opportunities. For example you may be missing dinner with friends, Saturday morning exercise classes, relaxation time, quality time with your husband or wife and even time to keep the house or yard in order.
This can also be used in your professional life. If you are given the opportunity for a promotion, you can say yes to the added responsibility, increase in pay, relocation and recognition. Understand that you are also saying no to other areas of your life. If you say yes to joining the safety committee for your department, you are also saying no to having enough time to get all of your work done in a timely manner and you’ll need to find ways to get it done.
It’s very similar to the Newton’s third law of motion, which states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you do say yes to the local fund raising committee’s plea for help, then you will be saying no to free time. However, you might also be saying yes to baking all those cupcakes with your children’s help. Priceless. Want a healthy relationship? Begin by being true to yourself.20533Want a healthy relationship? Begin by being true to yourself.Most of us know the importance of being honest with our partner and being able to discuss emotional concerns in an open manner. But now there is proof that behaving this way leads to higher quality relationships as well as overall happiness. A research study from Ohio State University led by Amy Brunell just confirmed that people who are able to see themselves clearly and objectively while acting in ways that are consistent with their beliefs and interacting honestly and truthfully with others have more positive dating, relationships and marriages. The study was researched using sixty-two heterosexual couples, all of whom were college students. They completed questionnaires in three separate sessions that took place about two weeks apart.

The first set of questions sought to find how true the students were to themselves. The researchers called thisdispositional authenticity.” This quality was measured through answers to such questions as: “For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am.”

In the second phase, the students answered questions examining various aspects of their relationship which included their willingness to discuss their emotions with their partner and how comfortable they were at keeping secrets.

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The third phase involved measures of relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. This included a rating score of overall relationship and personal contentment, and happiness.

Not surprising, those who were more self aware and scored high on their dispositional authenticity (being true to themselves) also had the healthiest and happiest relationships. The study shed light on the importance of being aware of both your limitations and areas where you can grow stronger in your relationships. In the business of our lives we forget the importance of our own truths. We forget that we have flaws too, and being transparent (not defensive) with those flaws is as important as being transparent in regards to our partner’s flaws. It is not usually our partner who destroys our happiness or relationship. It is more frequently us. Most marital conflict begins because we are no longer being true to ourselves. We tell our mother,He hit me because he was worried and tired, it won’t happen again. Or we tell a good friend,She didn’t mean to offend you, she was drinking and didn’t know what she was saying. Our true self tells us we are living a lie, living with an abuser or a drunk, but because of our own fear we lie to ourselves and no longer are living our authentic self.

Do you think you are authentic but your partner isn’t? Or is it your partner who is authentic and true to themselves and you have a difficult time being honest with your feelings? In all likelihood you both have areas of weakness where you are less than honest, and areas that are less threatening and you are more honest. Many couples have an easy time telling their partner that they must quit smoking while they continue to overeat. Both are addictive behaviors and both can kill you. Try working together to inspire each other to become healthier. Below is a check list to see how you add up in regards to being authentic. The great thing about being real or comfortable in your own skin is you are completely free from what others think. Once you accept your limits as well as your strengths you no longer have to be worried that someone will find out you aren’t perfect.

1. Do you understand that you chose your partner just the way they are? They don’t have to change to be with you.

2. Do you tell your spouse the truth even if it means they are going to be upset? Can you trust them to be grateful for your honesty at all times?

3. Can you support your partner’s dreams and help them come true? Can you honor their differences instead of trying to fix them?

4. Can you understand your ways of feeling close may not be your partners? Can you embrace their ways and be respectful?

5. Are you brave enough to ask questions rather than make assumptions of what your partner meant?

6. Are you your own advocate? Can you tell your partner when you are hurt without blaming them or telling them you what an evil person they are?

7. Are you aware of what brings you joy and express it when you feel it?

8. Do you realize your partner is not your property and they don’t belong to you? Do you tell them how happy you are that they remain in your life by your side?

9. Are you able to stand by your faith and support your partner’s faith? Do they have to believe the exact way you do, or are you strong enough that you can tolerate and learn from the way others practice their faith?

10. Can you express anger directly without blaming, judging or criticizing? When something bad happens do you always look for someone to blame? Do you blame yourself instead of forgiving yourself for your mistakes or weaknesses?

Being authentic means being real. Being real means being transparent with your weaknesses and strengths. When I make new friends I don’t look for the flawless people because they are too much work. Perfect people are burdensome as they work so arduously to project perfection that they lose their ability to enjoy and have fun. Being real is one of the things we can change in our relationships to make them better immediately. If you need a quick study ofdispositional authenticity, go to the park and watch little kids play. Their authentic self is still very much intact. Mary Jo Rapini

For more information go to: www.maryjorapini.com

Twitter Mary Jo: @maryjorapiniticle text