This is an important week: Kiss and Make Up…and more

This is an important week:

August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day!

Aug 26 is the anniversary of women’s suffrage.

I will talk about kissing and making up, first.

It’s a phrase mothers (and teachers) tell young children who have squabbled. For them, the types of squabbles most often can be dealt with a kiss and make up.

However, for adults in serious relationships, is it always a wise solution to a problem? Certainly not when there’s physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

But, how about ordinary squabbles that men and women have with each other? To answer this question raises another. What is the purpose of making up?

Too often, couples think of making up as a way to forget something that has just happened and to move on. Well, that works when the something is not really relevant. Arguing over which route is the fastest to get to the theater or whose responsible for leaving the house unlocked when they left for work these issues are unimportant in the long run. You will disagree, push your own point and know your partner is wrong. You will probably never agree or resolve the issue, but, life goes on; you know you will have lots more of these differences.

However, there are other issues where life can’t really go on, or at least can’t go on well, unless really resolved. One person has an affair, one has said something so hurtful that putting it aside will only stuff an anger that will smolder until it explodes even over something minor.

So, kiss and make up when it doesn’t leave you feeling bad the next day. But, if the next day you are still affected, take back the kiss and start talking. After a really good talk (Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary has step-by-step guidelines for a Good Argument), you may want to do more than just kiss as you make up. But, you have to do the hard work first deal directly with the feelings.

And, here’s where acknowledging Women’s Suffrage comes in. True, August 26 is about getting the vote, but along with women getting the vote came women wanting more rights in public life and at home. Hence the Women’s Movement of the 70s. (For a great article about this, see Ellen Goodman’s article)

If you are young enough, you won’t remember a time when it was not socially acceptable for women to speak up when they were unhappy in their relationships. Women may have nagged, but back then, they did it at the price of being seen as doing somethingunwomanly. Back then, a woman did kiss and make up because that was theright thing to do.

Learning how to stand up for yourself, speak up for yourself, in a way that is respectful (to you!) often requires learning new skills. There are women’s groups and retreats that help women lean them.

Now, I’m hoping women kiss and make up only after they have spoken up, expressed their feelings, stated their position, and resolved the issue.

Happy August 25 and August 26!

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis is a marriage and family therapist (39 years) and author of numerous relationship books — on marriage, for singles, about adult siblings. Her latest is Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary. For 16 years, she has run Unique Retreats For Women, weekends for self-growth and fun. (The next one is this November.)